Why Should I Feel

I am not really one to spill my guts. Admitting that is like laying down some sort of armor, exposing the vulnerabilities I have kept hidden for far too long. But here I am, fingertips tapping on the keyboard, going into a topic that has been bugging me.

I was raised in a good environment. – a two-parent household filled with God, love, laughter, siblings, and the occasional spaghetti on Sundays. But along the way, I learned to bury my emotions. Is it a defense mechanism? Or maybe a legacy passed down through generations, implanted in my DNA by my ancestors who endured far greater hardships and had to be tough to survive.

Expressing emotions has always felt like navigating uncharted territory. When do I gain the courage to share my feelings without affecting someone else’s feelings?

 I have tried.

But I have been met with dismissive labels like “moody” or something to do with me being a specific astrology sign.

It is as though society expects Black individuals to be resistant to the complexities of human emotions.

Opening up feels like standing on the edge of a cliff, deciding between the comfort of emotional detachments and the unknown depths of vulnerability. Will I be too much? Will anyone care? As these questions swirl in my mind, I realize I am only holding myself back from fully embracing my authentic self.

I often look back on my upbringing, I have never seen my mom openly express her emotions. So is it hereditary? Yet, I look at my sister in awe at her ability to navigate the full spectrum of emotions with ease. So, perhaps it is not genetics but rather our individual experiences.

I get told all the time, 'You're so strong.' My response is always 'Oh, thanks,' accompanied by a tight-lipped smile. But perhaps now it's time for a different reply, one that acknowledges the weight I carry and the strength it takes to keep going. Maybe it's time to say, 'Thank you, but strength doesn't mean I don't need support.'

As a Black woman, I have often prided myself on my independence, believing I could weather any storm alone. But I have come to realize that we all need someone to lean on. I am thankful for my partner now, who reminds me that it is ok to feel, to share my burdens, and to find strength in vulnerability.

You might think therapy. I agree. I remember presenting the idea before and receiving ridicule. “Girl bye, Black people don’t do therapy.”

Yet we are the ones who need and could benefit most from it.

I acknowledge that there is something I want to fix. I am tired of hiding behind walls I have built myself. No, I do not want sympathy but maybe you out there know what I mean. So, as we are in Women’s Month, here I am being 100% woman. And that starts with being honest with myself.

So here I am, laying bare my emotional authenticity for all to see. It is okay to be human. Being a human means feeling things. What is the worst that can happen?

 Well, I am still figuring that out. But one thing for certain – I am ready to give it a try.